Dear Reader,
If you consider yourself a people pleaser, I’ve got fantastic news for you. You really don’t care neither about pleasing other people nor how they feel… It’s just a learnt subconscious pattern.
Let’s step back. Self-regulation means that we’re all striving and looking for finding balance in our emotional lifes. We’re always doing that what makes us feel ‘fine’, ‘normal’ when emotionally triggered by what we call ‘negative’ emotions like anger, fear. We do it within our means, we created a lot of adaptions like drinking, drugs, working out and yes people pleasing to regulate our own emotional system. Sometime in the childhood some of us concluded (including me) that we were supposed to fix with our childlike charm dysfunctions that were present in our families. We were rewarded for that and it made us feel good. Fast forward to adult life this pattern still exists. Not only it exists but it spread to relations with your friends, boss, partner, colleagues. Really we don’t want to make others feel good, we just have the dependence of our feeling good providing that others feel good.
It’s called codependence. If you’re interested to learn about it please go to work of Dr Gabor Mate.
In general you’re never responsible for how other person feel. You’re responsible only for how you feel. It’s okay to still be loving, kind and nice but even if you are not, remember that it was never in the first place your business taking care of other people feelings. Put boundaries where needed, constantly say No when you feel it’s honest with you, call people out when they are behaving unfair. Also remember that it works both ways, since you are not responsible for how other people feel you also lose your right to ‘be triggered’ as well cause other people are not responsible for how you feel neither. What it gives you? Freedom 🙂
I love this quote of Byron Katie:
“A dishonest yes is a no to yourself.“ Maybe it’s high time to start saying more honest yess 🙂
Once you start dissolving the pattern of people pleasing the new world opens, get ready for a lot of changes in your life. Some of the relationships are going to start feeling like the clothes that you have outgrown. Maybe it’s time to go shopping and get yourself a new wardrobe, the one filled with clothes that you have always wanted and that actually fit you. I’m rooting for you!
I love Life and Life loves me
Life Loves Me 